THE DEPRESSION

After the initial shock subsided somewhat, I went into a deep and long depression.  I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and rejected.  How could he have married someone else unless there was something wrong with me?  I had low self-esteem.  He does not love me anymore.  She has taken my place.  For the most part, during the initial period, Allah blessed me to remain in control of my emotions and maintain my dignity in front of others when I attended masjid functions and other gatherings within my community.  This was a very difficult period for me because almost every community activity that I attended the other sister was also there. Although I tried to conceal my feelings in public, at home is where I let most of my pain and hurt show.

Initially I did not completely comprehend how long and tiresome the journey in polygamy would be.  Fortunately, Allah blessed me to have spurts of energy filled with generosity and kindness towards the other sister in the beginning.  I am not saying there were not times that my feelings of anger and resentment did not come through.  There were certainly times that I behaved in a way that I would not consider most favorable as a Muslim sister.  But overall, when I consider the intensity of the feelings that I felt at that time, and compare that with how I interacted with the sister, I conclude that my actions were generous indeed, by the mercy of Allah.

All of these feelings of discouragement, loss of love, betrayal and humiliation are natural. But what is important is how we handle these extremely uncomfortable feelings.  The best among us are those who are most obedient to Allah.  Everything ultimately refers back to our religion.  Although a sister may feel humiliated, embarrassed and ashamed, her dignity and honor is in obeying her Creator, Allah.  It’s certainly hard at a difficult time such as this for a sister to focus on the true reality.  In addition, Shaitan and the natural emotional nature of women work against reason.  But the true reality is that everything we have in this world is a gift from Allah.  We are to use these gifts in Allah’s service.  If he chooses to take some or all of these gifts away from us, we must remember that He is the Most Just, Most Merciful. According to a hadith The Prophet (saw) said:

“If any person suffers from a calamity and says, (Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un) To Allah we belong and to Allah we will all return. Oh Allah, reward me for this affliction and bless me with something better in return, then Allah in His Power and Glory will grant him this.

These du’as and sections from Quran that aid us in adversity are like prescriptions, insha’Allah, for the emotional sickness and turmoil we are experiencing.

Polygamy is an enormous jihad.  It is a struggle that is ongoing and tedious.  At times, a sister may feel so discouraged that she feels she’d prefer not living.  There is a hadith in which The Prophet (saw) said, “A Muslim should not wish for death, however, instead he should ask Allah ‘If it is best for me to live let me live, and if it is best for me to die let me die.’” (Bukhari)

We want our last deeds to be our best deeds.  We also want to die when our faith is strongest and we have more good deeds than bad deeds.  May Allah bless us to die in a state where He will be pleased with us and we will be pleased with Him. 

We should try our best not to despair of Allah’s mercy.  Often good comes from undesirable situations. And one of the hidden benefits or rewards of many trials is that we grow closer to Allah.  In these materialistic societies in which many of us live, spiritual benefits are not considered of much value.  However, when we think about our purpose in life, we realize it is an invaluable gift.

Along with the previously mentioned feelings and emotions that a first wife may have is the feeling of a loss of identity. Although we may be Muslims, there are other roles and labels that we identify ourselves with in our daily lives.  Some of us are mothers, daughters, sisters, teachers, doctors and of course—wives.  Adapting to the loss of one role and the gaining of another role can be difficult.  Adjusting to such an undesirable role as sharing your husband can be tumultuous.  A wife must now adjust to the difficult novelty of sharing her husband with another woman.  She must accustom herself to the new lifestyle of her husband being away from her home every other night with someone else.  Now she is no longer his only wife, but she must share this title with another woman. 

(Next week, insha'Allah: Controlling Anger) 

Visit Grandma Jeddah's Successful Muslim Marriage Blog, where you can learn the wisdom and ways to stay married . . . through the difficult times, Insha'Allah.

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