In this issue: Five new posts from Sales Source on Inc.com and three (3!) sales message rewrites. Remember: as a member of this newsletter, I will critique your sales message for free. I may even decide to rewrite it for you!
New Sales Source Posts
Sales Message Rewrites
ORIGINAL: MindEdge is a provider of online courses for academia, associations and corporations. We are also a PMI REP and have developed self paced project management courses such as PMP Test Prep and PM for IT. These courses provide between 38 and 25 PDUs towards your PMP certification requirement and I wished to speak to you regarding an opportunity for XYZ company and MindEdge to team up and offer these project management courses on a revenue share agreement. Please contact me at xxx-xxx-xxxx and I will expand on what would be involved in the agreement.
Comment: Way too technical and the language is stilted. The call to action is extremely weak; who wants to be "expanded on"? Sounds like somebody sitting on your head. Here's a rewrite:
REWRITE: We make learning project management easy. We have a online course that companies like [former customer] and colleges like [former customer] have used to get their folk up to speed and certified as project managers. What kind of project management training do you have in place? [listen to response] I'd love to spend some time talking about how we can train your folks to get their projects finished on time and on budget. What's the best way to get some time on your calendar?
Why It's Better: I removed all the jargon and vastly simplified the structure. I added a pre-qualifying question to ensure that the acquaintance is actually a potential customer.
ORIGINAL: Providium Human Resource Group is a 'one stop' Human Resource consulting and outsourcing firm. Through a single relationship, you have access to HR services for the continuum of the employment life cycle: recruiting and professional placement; benefits and compensation design; compliance services; organization development; leadership training and coaching. Basically, it is 'one stop shopping' for all of your HR needs.
Comment: This is just a list of features but no benefits. Plus, the repeat of "one stop shop" as a differentiator is both trite and ineffective. Who can be good at everything? And there's no call to action.
REWRITE: We fix personnel problems... because even the best execs can't be all things to all people. We help our clients with hiring, compensation, compliance, and training, so that they can spend more time focusing on what they do best, and less time hassling with human resource details. For example: what your biggest human resource headache? [listen to response] I think we may be able to help you out there...or at least give you some quick pointers where to start. What's the best way to get on your calendar?
Why It's Better: Nobody likes HR. (Sorry, HR folk!) That's why people want to outsource it. Rather than sounding like an HR wonk, you need to provide a service that makes HR into something the exec doesn't need to think about.
ORIGINAL: We enable remarkability. Total Flow specialises in helping organisations create products and services that wow their markets and then transform their business to deliver those to a predefined cost, quality, service and functional specification - every time. If you aspire to be market leaders you need to consider the end to end experience your customers will find irresistible and then design your strategy, align your operations and engage your people to deliver; internally and along your supply chain. So what would need to happen to make your company something worth talking about by your customers?
Comment: Too much biz-blab, which is why it doesn't really communicate what your company does. Also, the appearance of terms like "functional specification" and "supply chain" seem out of place. Is this a marketing service or a technical service?
REWRITE: We're the world's only customer satisfaction make-over crew. Companies call us when they want help figuring out what products will wow their customers, and how to make those products quickly and cheaply. For example, we recently helped [former customer] with their launch of [product], which broke all sales records in less than two months! Just out of curiosity, when was the last time a customer personally thanked you for creating an incredible product? [listen to response then, depending on response either this...] Wow, that must have felt great. [or this] Unfortunately, that's pretty common. [Then continue with] If you'd like that to happen more often, I can probably give you some good ideas. When would be a good time for us to meet?
Why It's Better: The trick here is that you're selling something that's very broad. Because there's a lot involved, you need to make it very simple and straightforward. As with most elevator pitches, a lot will depend on delivery.